Sunday, August 6, 2017

HIGH SPIRITS AND SOFT DRINKS

Dearest Buhari, 

Glory to God in the highest. Your deputy just texted me to say you are in high spirits. I have changed the sheets in anticipation. In fact, your high spirits have made my own spirits high and I am busy whistling, removing cobwebs, washing curtains, writing down the names of people who have already been making moves to replace you, including those who leaked letters they sent to you so they can appear like smart people.  

I am glad the floods have abated around the country. I would hate to have to pick you up in a boat, not because I don't like swimming or boats, but I am not sure what type of boat you would like and all. We should talk about this when you return. But you know what I think? Just like the meningitis outbreak in Zamfara was a visitation of God (I trust the Governor’s opinion on this), the flood, especially in Lagos was connected to people’s attitudes. I know people say ignorant things like the Governor should have worked on a drainage system that works for Nigeria’s most important commercial city that his response should have been better, but I believe him when blames the flooding and lack of infrastructure on people who don't pay tax. I suspect the flood is not just about people not paying tax but also, with the number of hotels in Lagos, it must be connected to fornication. I remember staying in a hotel and hearing noises coming from a room. And I thought: God is going to flood this city one day. People really need to stop committing fornication whether in Zamfara or Lagos. 

You won't believe what Sahara Reporters said about your meeting with your deputy. They said he was with you for only 5 minutes and that all you guys did was exchange pleasantries. I know they did it to make people think you can hardly talk and are unfit to run this house and all but I was even happy when they reported that. For a few reasons. First off, it showed me you are faithful to me. You refuse to spend too much time with another person when you can't spend time with me. Next, really, most meetings can be compressed into 5 minutes. Nigerians just like long stories. Ask a Nigerian to convene a meeting he will begin by giving a silly opening remark about how he is very happy to be there and all the people who made it possible and how the event almost didn't happen. Then during comments, he will begin by thanking the organisers for organising the program then thanking them for inviting him then thanking the anchor for calling on him to speak. Then he will say he doesn't want to take too much of the time and will be brief. At this point, he will launch into a full speech. If we cut out all of this nonsense, meetings will last only 5 minutes. And finally when they said all you did was exchange pleasantries did they expect you to exchange hateful words? Why are people enemies of peace and progress? Can’t they just be happy for you? 

So I see that Boko Haram is showing up again even though your army has technically defeated it without quite eradicating it. I don't know why Boko Haram will not accept that you have technically defeated them? Is it by force? Why can’t they just respect these declarations that our army make? Anyway, they can keep trying to bomb and we will keep declaring them defeated. 

My darling I just read this new report which says that soft drinks lead to erectile dysfunction and I really got scared. I hope you are not drinking Coke or Fanta fa! Ba na son wahala. Life is too short to have ED. I am not saying you should start taking hot drinks, I am just saying be careful. We can organise someone to export Fura or Kunu to London. After all, we are already paying thousands of pounds every day to maintain you and your presidential jet which I am happy is parked in the UK just in case you need to come and see me very quickly. Me I pledge not to do any soft drinks. I am doing exercise to prepare for your return and sticking to tea and fruits. Our enemies will not succeed. 

As usual, I am reminding you about the Shiite guy whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves in Kaduna. I really believe it is time to let him go. We cannot bring back the people we buried. But we can stop the injustice from carrying on. 

Send me a nice WhatsApp. Exchange pleasantries with me like you did with Yemi. Because you care about me. 

Yours always, 

Elnathan

WHAT I WILL DO IF I AM ELECTED TO OFFICE IN 2019

Dearest Buhari,

I am overjoyed at the rumours of your imminent return. When people start using your return to place bets, I know that you really are coming home soon. Darling, you remember that what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine abi? So, please don't take it the wrong way if I run for president especially now that the age has been reduced. At least it is better than risking one of those short men becoming president. Especially not the one who enjoys harassing people who write. I am sure you don't want anyone to harass me.

I am ready for your return -- the bed is made, the sheets have been changed, there is food waiting for you in the freezer. All I need is to warm it when you come. And I know you like dumame. While I wait, I am working on my presidential bid.

If they elect me in 2019, I will make a law stating that those who steal money just need to make a public vow that they will not steal again and declare that they have stopped stealing. Then perhaps make an apology. I mean the apology will not be compulsory but I will encourage them to do it. A bit like how Saraki simply agreed to stop collecting pension from Kwara State even though he is still a public officer. He is not even saying he will refund the millions he has collected illegally over the last 6 years. And people are angry. The real problem is that it is illegal. If my law is passed, no one will get angry over an issue like this. All Saraki would need to do would be to say, I have stopped. And everyone will be happy.

Now that the US has agreed to sell us millions of dollars worth of attack planes, I would advise all the communities within the Nigerian Airforce's flight path to go and declare themselves before they cause trouble for them like those people who went and made themselves get killed by the Airforce in Rann. People keep saying the army should hold someone responsible. Me I think we should hold the people responsible for not appearing on the map. I will as president make it unnecessary for the armed forces to apologise or be held responsible. I mean it already happens now, but I will make it illegal to complain about the armed forces.

Darling, I will also build a permanent Nigerian hospital in London (or any foreign country of your choosing). You know how people like complaining that you are abroad instead of treating yourself here at home? I think that once the facility abroad is a Nigerian facility, no one can complain because then you will be helping the country earn foreign exchange. Imagine earning money through our foreign hospital. In fact, I can designate the land upon which the hospital is built Nigerian embassy property, in which case anyone in that hospital is technically in Nigeria. Imagine, we can even get other African leaders to visit our Nigerian hospital in London or Germany so that they can tell their citizens that they are patronising African hospitals. Killing many birds with one big stone.

In a similar vein, I will build a Nigerian university abroad so that our children who study abroad can say that they are studying in a Nigerian university. No one will ever be able to point fingers at us elites and say that our children are abroad instead of being in Nigerian schools. It will be like the American University. We will have the Nigerian University, London, Berlin, New York, Beijing, Tokyo, New Delhi, Dubai, Paris. No one will ever be able to point fingers at you ever again.

I think I should also have a commission for politicians who want to attack writers or newspapers for writing about them. It is only fair. I want the attacks to be coordinated. Even violence should be carried out systematically. The commission will gather complaints from aggrieved politicians and allow politicians to attack together, a bit like car sharing. If two or more politicians hate an activist or writer or newspaper, they can just combine efforts instead of working at cross purposes.

I will continue next week my dear. But for now I will just remind you about the Shiite man whose children we massacred in Kaduna. It is time to release him. I look forward to welcoming you. The fura da nono is in the fridge cooling. I would have come to the airport with flowers but I know you don't really care much for flowers. Ina jiran ka maigida na.

Yours always,
Elnathan